Updates, I suck at them.

Where have I been lately? I wish I had a good explanation. I feel like for the last week or two I've sort of been in a fog. Nothing is wrong, per se. Maybe I just checked out a little mentally. I've been tired, a little foggy, but otherwise okay.

I'm still doing well emotionally, post-miscarriage. Occasionally it flashes into my head that I really was pregnant. But it seems like it all happened and was over with so fast I didn't have time for it to sink in. Which I suppose, was for the best. I started taking Vitex again as soon as my bleeding was basically over. Maybe I am pushing too hard, but I wanted to help things along and see if I could take advantage of that possible elusive more fertile period. Pretty quickly things started feeling better and my drive for bedroom time came roaring back. That's a good thing anyway, but it may even better as if my temps are serving me correctly I ovulated on 11/3. So, you never know, maybe this year I'll have an extra thing to be thankful for.

The misfortunes of miscarriage...

In the beginning of this miscarriage, which started on Sunday. It was sort of weird because, though I did bleed a significant amount, it wasn't too bad. The pain, was sort of here and there, it was... manageable.

Welcome to Wednesday, otherwise known as the hump day of my hell week. Yesterday and today everything has gotten incredibly worse. The pain is very real now, I take something only it for it to take the edge off for maybe an hour.

Emotionally, I come and go. Overall, I'd still have to say, I'm a trooper. I've kept my head above water and I'd say emotionally I'm about 85% functional, while physically about 40%. I just don't have the energy or the strength to do much of anything. I've had a total of two-three good cries. Two of them were yesterday, here's why.

Other than intense pain and bleeding, one of the worst, if not the worst miscarriage symptom is... still feeling pregnant. I think it's so much harder to move on emotionally when you are constantly faced with the physical symptoms reminding you of where you are. That sucks.

Also, I can't have sex. And I really, really want to. I know it doesn't make it go away, but during my two weeks prior to the miscarriage, I had no sex drive at all, and now of course, is not a good time. I really want to get back to normal life now. That doesn't mean we aren't going to try it again when we can, but instead of being downtrodden and miserable, I'd rather embrace some normality with my husband for a while.

Dr. Douchebag, M.D.

So I have not been posting a lot, this is because over the course of the last two weeks I began to have rapidly increasing new symptoms of pregnancy. Whether this just happened randomly or the Vitex pushed me over the edge, I don't know. Last Thursday, 10/13, I gave into my curiosity and took a pregnancy test. It had two lines. I couldn't believe it. In fact I immediately went to my husband, shook him awake, and made him come into the bathroom to make sure I wasn't seeing things. I wasn't.

After that, over the next few days I took 3 more tests, consisting of two different brands and they all had the same fate - I was pregnant. I called my Doctor and made an appointment for today.

Yesterday, I began bleeding. I sort of freaked out, had a huge cry, and assumed the worst. At the urging of my husband and mother I went to the emergency room to get checked out. The first nurse was in bitch mode. I'm sure she sees it all, but she was terribly rude and spoke to me as if everything that came out of my mouth was a lie.

A urine test, 5 blood vials, an ultrasound, a pelvic hand and giant speculum exam later here were my results: My beta was 191, my cervix looked closed, I was having a threatened miscarriage, so I was to go on pelvic rest and come in for blood work in the morning before my doctor's appointment.

I was not feeling confident at this point. How can you? But I knew it wasn't over until it's over so I had to keep going. This morning, I went in for my bloodwork, and then hung out with my mom, until my husband got off work to take me to the official appointment with my OB/GYN.

At right about noon, my phone rings. It's some chick at my doctor's office, the exchange went as follows:
Chick: Is this Rachel?
Me: Yes.
Chick: This is some chick from Dr. Douchebag's office, we got your results back and Dr. Douchebag wanted me to let you know your number has fallen from 191 to 60, so we are calling this a spontaneous miscarriage, I'm sorry."
Me: Oh... okay, that's okay :(
Chick: Is the bleeding and the pain okay?
Me: Yeah... it's okay.
Chick: Well let us know if we can do anything.
Me: Ummm... should I still come to my appointment today?
Chick: No, he said you don't need to."
End.

.....look, maybe I am being sensitive. I could be. But I would hope that if I'm going to be told this over the phone, that at least my doctor could do it. Second... again, maybe I'm crazy, but shouldn't my doctor want to make sure everything is okay? Like an exam, a follow-up... anything? Seriously... anything at all?

So this whole pregnancy thing is over before it really began, but I learned two things. One - I can get pregnant. Two - I need a new Doctor.

Maybe it's just me...

So, like any other crazy person trying to conceive I am constantly doing torturous things such as watching "A Baby Story" reading about pregnancies, all kinds of stuff. I stalk the pictures posted by pregnant people on Facebook. Anyway, the point is....

4D Ultrasound pictures are creepy. I do not know why they rub me this way, but some of them are downright terrifying. I know other women won't agree.

Here's what some women see when they look at a 4D Ultrasound:

OMG CUTE BABY!

Here's what I see when I look at a 4D Ultrasound:

GOOD GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING?

That's from Alien. 

Seriously. If I ever get pregant, and god how I want to, I'm fine with the old school ultrasound. I'd prefer to not see images of my child that remind me of things I've seen in horror films. Yes, I'm probably a bad person. Honestly, I feel it's part of my charm. 

Cocktail Confidential Part 1

We have insurance, but after the clomid rodeo last year, I learned how quickly medical intervention adds up in dollars. The Doc would want to progesterone draws a cycle, which wasn't covered *at all* so those were over a hundred bucks a pop... it got out of hand. I would love to have the money to go at this full force, but that is not our station in life. I'm not complaining about this. We have always been the type to do our best with what we have.

My current cocktail consists of: Prenatal Vitamin, Omega 3-6-9 supplement, Cinnamon, Zinc, and Vitex.

Oh, Vitex.

I started taking Vitex about two weeks ago. Now, I know most women don't see any results for a long time on this. But, within the first week, I started having lower abdominal cramps daily. They are consistent but manageable, so I carried on. At the end of the 2nd week, I started getting tender breasts along with the cramping. Yesterday, I had light spotting which basically disappeared over the course of half a day.

I have NO idea what my body is doing. The fact is, it is clearly doing something - which in my eyes is a lot better than the nothing it was doing before. I have tried to figure out why it could be doing something so quickly in me but not in others. I know we are all different. Maybe I just needed a nudge instead of a giant push. So now I'm impatiently waiting to see what is going to happen.

Next up - adding NPC (Natural Progesterone Cream), ordered some and it should arrive this week.

I would like to ring in the new year with a normal cycle, and hopefully being that much closer to the kid of my dreams.

WTF Weight.

Seriously?

For the past month or so I have been resolved on starting back on the healthy diet train and getting things in gear. Knowing what other pcos ladies have accomplished by removing their weight problem, I feel like I need to give that it's fair shot. And really that's not the only reason. I would look better, feel better, live longer, blah blah blah.

Anyway, for three weeks of the last month I've said "It's totally time to lose weight" but did nothing. So the last week I have actually attempted it. And overall it has felt good. Why is it, that eating better honestly makes my body feel genuinely better yet I still can't remove the urges for all things both naughty and yummy?

So I get on the scale halfway through the week and it's like, 5 pounds down. Now, as serial on and off loser of weight I am used to this. You will almost always lose a nice chunk of water weight right off the bat when watching what you eat. But today, I get back on and 4 of those 5 have returned. Enter irritation.

What pisses me off the most, is that I have done nothing to regain weight. So perhaps I'm bloated? But then, why am I bloated? Also, why is it that with PCOS it feels like you have to question everything? Or is it just that those of us with this crap have an inherent need to drive ourselves to the point of madness?

What's that pain? What's my body doing? When am I going to get my period? Could I be pregnant? Will I ever get pregnant? Why can't this happen to someone else? What is that cramping? Am I going to ovulate?

Good god... there are a million more where that came from. I bet the PCOS community as a whole is a nice segment of what keeps Google in business.

Top 5 Reasons why I hate PCOS.

5. Not knowing how to talk about it.

                Trying to explain PCOS to someone can be torturous, embarrassing, and definitely  awkward. I’m not sure what’s worse, the follow-up questions or the reactions themselves. My personal favorite is, “Oh, I would love to not have periods!”. Really? I’d rather be able to have kids, thanks.

4. But wait, there’s more! PCOS on the internet, a.k.a, here’s some info – now buy something.

                I know I am not alone here. PCOS ladies flock to the internet like a moth to the flame. Whether it’s for support, information, cures, and everything in between. What I have come to hate is that nearly every website you find about PCOS seems to be a sales opportunity. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely buy things to try and battle this crap, but the lack of actual awareness and help without some sort of sales pitch is disgusting sometimes.

3. PCOS – The Shrug-it-off Syndrome.

                I was diagnosed at 16, and since then have bounced around Doctor’s. Though this doesn’t apply to every doctor, I feel that many of us have been through the ringer when it comes to getting real medical support. Several times in my experience I have seen a doctor, just to have it shrugged off.  “You need to lose some weight” or “See a dietician” – okay, thanks Doctor Obvious. Glad all that insurance money we pay out really pays off. I’m not saying we should deny some self-accountability here, but I know many of us have left many a doctor’s office without being taken seriously.

2. That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, losing my femininity.

                I know that no PCOS woman is the same. Not every lady has every symptom in the book. But I think we can all collectively agree that all of the symptoms, well, suck. You may only have one or two, or you may have them all. But as women, any single one of these symptoms can really drain our confidence as females. Seriously, consider these one by one:

• Hair loss.
• Hair growth (and we aren’t talking on our pretty little heads here. Faces, chest, back, stomach – or to sum it up – manly places)
• Acne.
• Weight gain (with a side of it seems impossible to lose weight)
• Skin tags (whether it be the dark patches, skin flaps, or patches of oddly textured skin)
• Depression

And my personal favorite….

1.Infertility

This is the one that goes straight for the jugular. Not all women want to have kids. It’s a choice, and one I totally support. Hell, not all PCOS sufferers even have infertility. To those of you that fall into that category. I’m happy for you. I don’t show it well. I don’t show it well to any pregnant woman. It’s selfish, but it’s honest. I don’t wish you or your little one any harm in the world. But as someone who wants that more than anything, and can’t seem to get it, when I see someone pregnant, it’s a reminder to me of what I want and what I don’t have. Am I just jealous? Absolutely. Like, I said, it’s not right, but it’s honest.

For those women with PCOS who want children but aren’t succeeding, it can be the ultimate struggle. I think it’s because as women we feel this inherent need that we should be able to procreate. It’s our natural ability. Sure it takes two to tango, but we are the bearers of new life. We are supposed to be able to do that.

Like I said, I hate PCOS.